I really came to understand that my love is reaching its devastating end and I am desperately losing him. I wanted to change things at any cost but I couldn’t do anything out of my nature. I am 100% guilty for ruining my life but I won’t admit it even to myself. I won’t listen to anyone’s suggestions or advice and I will do whatever I wish to. I knew these are very bad characters I want to change but I couldn’t find a way to make a change. My annoying characters are inexplicable that I couldn’t even talk to anyone about this.
I never thought of hurting someone with intension but in some way I am hurting everyone around me. I dint ever plan to hurt someone too badly but it happen tremendously before I could realize. I would go back to the person whom I hurt and ask for their forgiveness but before that they would have travelled a long way out of me. So I don’t usually have a whole lot of friends. I never really realized these characters of mine are causing such irreversible damages to my life, until now. Now when I turned back to see my life I realize how my life has been filled with hurtfulness and unhappiness. I lost lots and lots of people cared for me but I dint really cared about them leaving me. I just felt all time like “oh just another one, no big deal”. Now I understand how they would have felt when I understand those are all my faults and no one ever mentioned because they seemed don’t like to hurt me.
I warned him when he said he loves me deeply and asked him to go away because I don’t want to lose him in my life. He was such a good friend and we both fell for each other but I dint admit it so that I can keep away from him. But his hooks were so deep in me and I couldn’t resist going into him. So we were hanging around and fell in love deeper and deeper. Our college days are over and it is time for us to move. We were in separate places and so as our love. It began to break from the day we move onto our lives. I tried to get his attention all the time when I thought he is not interested in me anymore. That always ended in fight. I wanted him to make me think that I am special for him but when it dint happen I shouted like a mad person. I wanted him to express his love for me at least once in a while when I dint get it, guess what would have happened. Then I started understanding I am losing him from expecting things. He stopped sharing with me, discussing with me. Besides he gets irritated whenever I want to talk. So I thought of keeping distance that worked out well but the problem is that I couldn’t keep that up. So there it goes again same problems, fighting and crying.
Then one day I thought I should give him up so that he can be happy in his own way of life without me. You know what? I couldn’t do that either. So it felt like I m not going to make him happy being with him or moving away from him. I was between these decisions when we had a fight and I pushed him to leave me. Finally, he shouted that he will leave me. I was strangely happy to hear that but it dint last long. I tried to call him but he wouldn’t pick up. I watched my mobile screen every 2 minutes for his call or text but got nothing and I am still watching and waiting, because I have no life without him.
I want to beg him to forgive me and to give me another chance which he has already done for 1000s of time, but couldn’t do it as it is the right moment for letting him be happy. Well, I think our relationship will end with this but not my love for him.
But I miss him so much…. And I can’t bear losing him…..
After a week, we talked again. You know what? Our love will never end. We are madly in love with each other that he don’t want to leave me for whatever I have done. It seems he just told that to make me understand him. Well, I am trying to. Now I know he will always love me no matter what. Its me who have to change myself and make him happy.
